In your face! Ha!

It is time for a change!

It’s about time I changed. In order to do so I’ll try these: each day I wake up (I felt tempted to say morning, it’s never morning, not really ) I will tell myself I am beautiful, just the way I am. I will not wait for others to say it so I could feel good about myself. I will remind myself, as often as possible, that I am kind and caring. I will not think of the bad things that happened to me in the past. Still, if I think of my past, I’ll chose only to remember the great, happy moments. I will always say I am not scared, maybe at some point I will stop being so. I will practice forgiving. I will love with intensity but always keep one foot on the ground. I will look at people from two perspetives, good and bad. I will try to highlight only the good ones. I will never stop believing in myself, not even when things get bad. And, as I always do, I will tell people their qualities and what makes them my friend, mother, sister, boyfriend. I will also try to tell and show people more often that I do care about them.

I want to be optimist and positive and no one will convince me again that I shouldn’t be so.

I wish, a wish

I’d love now to go for a swim, not a real one as I can’t properly swim, but float in a pool. I think that is the most relaxing thing in the world. At least that is how I remember it, it’s been 5 years I think, maybe less… I’d forget about my worries, sorrow and anything negative in my life. As someone very dear to me says, I’d be a happy camper!

I would also like to run, as fast as I can, as much as my smoker lungs allow it. And scream. I feel like screaming. For the first time, I’d seriously consider going on the top of a mountain and start shouting.

I now, this exact moment, feel alone and like crying. Maybe it’s the film I’ve watched, maybe it’s the weather outside or, maybe, I am going crazy… It’s strange how people can’t stay on their own, can’t live on their own.  I can’t…

I wish I had a flower bouquet on my desk.  Wild flowers, early autumn flowers: yellow, red, purple and white with a few long grass blades between them. That would cheer me up.

I wish I never have to explain myself, my actions, my life, my choices. I’m tired of having to measure up to everyones expectations and hopes regarding myself or my life.

I wish I wasn’t so scared anymore of the future and what it brings.

I wish, more than a wish.

Ode, to you.

I miss you… Stroking your hair, curling it around my finger, its smell, caressing your back, kissing every tattoo you have. Not having to talk and watching you sleep. You look so peaceful when you sleep, like an angel. Me, babbling away and you laughing at it, talking about music, hearing you play it and singing. Myself, as I am when I’m with you. Smiling all the time, because you make me feel like it. You, smiling back every time I do it. Doing a pirouette in the middle of the road, the way I feel the wind in my hair when I do it. It’s like every single hair on my head feels it and enjoys it. Taking our long walks with no regard to time or how cold it is. You, struggling to do “puppy eyes”, how funny and lovely you look then. Kissing your eyelids. You, touching my face and your eyes telling me how you feel. Me, trying to find my words and, you, waiting patiently, like there is no rush, although, I’m always in a rush.

You always surprise me with something, like watching the stars, counting them as they appeared on the sky in that opening under the tree. Even now, I remeber what you told me… I could also tell what you wanted to tell me just as you knew what I desperately wanted to tell you, but was too afraid to. Time flies when I’m with you, 4 days seem like 1, 4 hours seem like one minute. You can always make me feel better when I feel like crying. I wish you were here now, to make it better again…

I’ve never felt so carefree as I do when we talk, I never felt so blissful. Soon… we’ll be together again.

Thinking and acting, thinking OR acting

I told my mom I was thinking of moving to another country. Her reaction was somewhat expected : “What about school? Do you not wish to finish it?”. Of course I want to! I did not say I will move tomorrow, only sometime this year, If I finish school, otherwise as soon as I finish it. What shocked me was that she started crying. Hmm.. Why would she do that?? It’s not like it’s the first time I tell her that. Since I was about 13 I keep promising myself  I’d leave, and I always shared that “ambition” with her. So what changed??

After our chat I started thinking. What changed? I guess it’s the fact that previously I did nothing towards that, such as start searching for a job. It was mostly empty talk and now I am serious.

I have made a promise to myself today, and I am writing it here so that I will never forget. In, the most, one year I will be leaving my country and the only times I will come back is when I am either on holiday or retired.

WTF??

I am amazed! I always had this kinda nice picture in my mind of my neighbourhood. A nice, quiet place, sure it has all sorts of people, 90% I don’t like, however it’s been 7 years since I saw some monkeys fight. I think that the name monkey suits them. I see absolutely no point in their fighting, they act like primates, without thinking, out of pure, violent instinct. 99% of their fights are about women and the rest some other minor, stupid reasons. The worst is that their “women” enjoy them seeing like that AND they actually encourage them to fight! Stupid, little, miserable people!

Christmas spirit

This Christmas is a bit different than the rest of the ones I had so far, except the non excitement from my part, which happens every year since I started being some sort of an adult.

I have actually convinced my mother we shouldn’t have a tree this year. Now I feel really bad about that… she didn’t insist but I think she really wanted to have that.  Maybe tomorrow…

This Christmas was/is rather unpleasant. I had to work on the 24th until 10PM, I got home and worked some more (yay!), had to cook although I was incredibly tired, I talked to my sister but it would have been much better if she were here or I there. I am now listening to a shuffle between  manele, whitney houston, tony braxton’s and Titanic’s soundtrack from my “nice” neighbours, it is rather loud for 3 AM. I don’t like carols that much, still, they are definitely a better choice especially on Christmas night.

I am trying to remember when I started disliking Christkmas, but, I can’t. Oh well, I must have supressed that memory somewhere along the way. I can’t say I’m depressed, I’m just in an overall bad mood and, unfortunatelly, I seem to affect people around me. I do try to snap out of it, smile a bit here, a bit there but in the end it’s still there, still grumpy.

One other thing I’m disappointed of  is that all the snow melted just when I wanted to try snowboarding!! I don’t trust weather forecast, however, if what they say is true, it won’t snow again anytime soon.

I wish I had a reason to cheer up. I wish I could find a reason to enjoy Christmas. I’m not only talking about this Christmas, but maybe the ones that will follow too.

Review

Romania.

Beautiful country.

Nice people, when they want to, or when you are a tourist.

Good food, or so others say, it’s rather too fat for my own taste.

On the other hand, the wages are crap and prices just as high  as other european countries(except cigarettes). If you get kicked out of your job, you hardly find a new one, therefore people are desperate and hungry. You can see it while going down the street… Black rings around their eyes because of working two jobs so they can feed themselves and their children. More and more homeless people.

I was thinking today that if I lose my job I will definitely go abroad, that is, if I find a job there too (good luck with that!).  What else could I do? I have no option. My work experience is not relevant for any possible job in Romania, except the other company doing the same stuff, in Timisoara (long way from home). So if I end up without a job instead of going to Timisoara (7 hours or more by train) why not go somewhere in Europe: Greece, Poland, UK , Germany and so on, about 2 hours away from home (by plain) at almost the same price?!

I  was also thinking about what I have accomplished this year… Not alot!! I did not manage to finish school, working almost all the time (even in holidays most of the times=>> the reason for which I did not finish school too), I feel more and more tired by day. This is no life!! The only good thing I can remember doing this year is that I did get to meet a special person who brightened my unsuccessfull year, so, at least that, but what about the rest? I am very disappointed with myself right now! The strange thing is that, even given these circumstances, I can still smile every day. I find a reason to smile. Hope. Next year you’ll do better, more and stop waisting time, precious time.

Moods

Happy, unhappy, happy, unhappy. Up, down, up down. Neverending story.

Three hours ago: unhappy

Now: happy

Tomorrow: unhappy and then happy again (most likely).

These mood swings are tireing!

Tonight’s inspiration.

We’re like a puzzle. In line with each other. We simply aling. Thats is why…you know… There’s no need to say it. That is why I feel, and most likely you feel…

I’m not a poet, never will be, just me.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Urghhhh! I am upset, so, so upset! I wish things weren’t the way they are and… whatever! I wish things were the way I want and need them to be. Such a child I still am!!! I guess this is actually living. It has its ups and downs. I know things will work out eventually. But… what the heck?! 3-4 months?? It hurts my brain, the idea won’t sink in. I can’t accept it, yet.

I feel so small and uncertain…. I want to crawl in a whole and come out when everything is back to normal.

Not one of my best days or moods. This whole week I felt like yelling! I won’t though.

It’s really happening isn’t it?

Cacat!!!