I’d better stick to what I have, I guess…

I am sick of  TV, the stupid shows and films, the stupid celebrities (who, by the way, all have a blog to curse the people they dislike), I’m sick of politics and soap operas (actually, in Romania they are the same).

Each morning when I get bored (thankfully not every morning):

- I wake up and tell myself oh why the hell not, I’ll turn on the TV, maybe today I actually find something interesting.

- I start cruising though the channels and I see the following: 10 channels – politics; 6 channels crappy music (even VH1 is crap now); 4 channels cartoons (I rarely find something amusing there now); 3 channels fashion; around 7 channels discovery, national geographic, animal planet, travel and living and so on (these are actually kind of ok if I think about it better); about 4 channels soap operas (on and on and on and on, nothing else playing); 20 or so channels random things (like 5 o’clock news – you see how someone’s neighbour killed his wife, kids, mother in law, his best mate, dad etc. separately or all together – to make it a bit more spicy), and then you have the “entairtaining” channels like Antena 1, Antena 3 etc. They have some (like one or two) ok shows I guess, Mircea Badea, but they are so agressive towards the public, actually towards anything, that I can’t watch it for long (besides I can’t catch them on, they are either early in the morning or in the afternoon).

- After cruising I’m like “Which should I pick… Ini Mini Miny Moe… Can’t decide.. can’t decide… can’t decide!!! I’m panicking hereee!! Uh-oh…. So then I do the wisest thing, I turn it off and go back to my computer, play some nice music and maybe watch a film, or not.

Autumn me

People are so caught up in their lives, they forget to stop, to ask for directions. No wonder so many of us get lost. No wonder I am lost sometimes.

How could I be any different than the rest of the world? How could I be unique, special when it is so much easier to be like them? I presume I don’t need to be all that, all I need is to be plain, simple Alina. Am I too simple? Should I be more extravagant, complex? Why should I be any different than what I am, why would I want that? I am sure I would not be happy pretending to be something different but will I be happy if I’ll be plain, simple Alina?

I think I have multiple personalities. Yes, it might be funny to you, still, it is not funny for me. When I say multiple personalities I am not talking about the psychiatric diagnosis,  alter egos, it is not that bad. I mean there are days when I go from a state of absolute happiness to absolute depression and desperation . I think everybody goes through that at one point in their life, at least once! What triggers it is insecurity, lack of confidence. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I am very confident, too confident in certain perspectives but in the same time I feel I can’t do more. Oh, I do wish I could do more, better.

I was thinking these past few days that I get attached to people too easily. I was also wondering why. Is it something to do with my childhood, adolescence? Of course, not only that, for each and every one of us, those are the years that form us as adults but those are the years we remember the  most, we talk the most of. Going back to the subject, why do I get attached to people so easily? Not every person I meet becomes a friend, actually I have very few friends. However, when a person receives the “friend” title I do mean it.  But I don’t mean friends whne saying I get attached too easily. I think because I don’t like people playing with my feelings, I don’t play with theirs either. I never could. But maybe I take things too seriously. I am sure I do, there can’t be any other explanation as to why I take things so personally, even a stupid joke, which meant nothing to the other person could mean quite alot to me. It’s like a curse.

What will I leave behind when I die? If I die tomorrow could I say I accomplished something? Sadly, not really. I realized I am so young! So, so young and, sometimes, I feel like my mind and soul carry the burden of an 80 year old person.

I guess it’s just Autumn playing its role again.

Nothing really.

Tonight I have all these random thoughts in my head, not a real subject, not just one I mean.

My birthday. Soon to come. Not sure why but I don’t really like that. It’s like Christmas. I don’t like Christmas either. Don’t ask why, I don’t know. It must have something to do with having to be kissed by people I dislike and having to be nice and wearing a smile all the time: “Thanks (smile), Thanks (smile), Thanks (smile), Thanks (smile)”.

Manele, I hear them tonight. A party in my block, as usual. Don’t like that either. They are shouting too.

Sleep. I like that but not doing it all the time. Lately, however, I feel so so tired and in need of sleep all the time. I am tired now too but can’t sleep.

I am calm. This week I’ve been extremely calm. Weird. How come? What has triggered this? Can’t tell yet.

I like the smell of my hoodie. It has a different smell from all my other clothes. Smells nice.

I smoked too much today and I feel that I can’t breathe properly.

I wish my neighbours would change the bloody music! I’d take anything, even some crappy disco music. Please?

I wonder if anyone reads my blog. Probably no. Is it even interesting for others? Hmm.. might be. A friend recently made his own blog. I wonder if anyone reads his.

Always question anything. Is it really good to do so? Wouldn’t it be better to be satisfied with what you have and know? No, I couldn’t live like that.

I wish I’d receive a lot of flowers from someone without it being my birthday or a special occasion. How about now?

I feel the need to leave the country. Maybe forever and ever and ever?

I feel alone tonigh.

And they still haven’t changes the music. Please stop singing at least.

I just realized that I talk too much about myself. “I…”, “I…”, “I…”. Can’t be good.

Men. a mistery.

I don’t understand men. At all. Just as they don’t understand women.

Most men when they are in a relationship they want out. Of course when that happens they want in. That is when the whining starts. They start telling their friends what a great person she is, how they miss her and how they want her back. Let’s say that happens, they get her back. Then, they want out again! What?!? Why?? I have no clue.

I am truly curious if I will ever find a man who is happy to be in a relationship, who will not want to break up after 6-8 months, who will be satisfied and happy.

If any of you know such a person tell me, PLEASE. I will suppliment this post when that happens.

The perfect world

It’s upsetting to think that our world can’t be perfect without a special someone in it. Why does it have to be so?

Most of us have a nice life, a nice job, a nice family and so on but if we don’t have that, the special one, too we feel lonely, insecure, miserable. I know that is how humans are but can’t we just be happy without that? Can’t we be satisfied with what life gave us. Oh, and when we do get the special someone then we start finding flaws: “I hate it when he does that!; His feet smell.; he’s chubby/fat; he’s skinny, too skinny.” etc.

So, we are never satisfied. Hmm… that’s not a good thing is it now? I have never met a single person in this world who’d be satisfied. If he’s poor he wants money, if he’s rich he wants more, if she is in a relationship she wants the other guy who doesn’t pick his nose or farts in her presence, if she is single she wants someone, even the guy who picks his nose, if she gets the handsome guy, he’s boring, if she doesn’t get him she’s angry or starts looking for sth to draw his attention, if she has a son she wants a daughter, if she gets the daughter she wanted her to be curly or blonde with big green eyes. LOL!

Yeah, that’s us, the human race. Never satisfied always looking for more, always wanting more.

Let’s just STOP!

How would that be? You could actually see the beauty around you, see that the guy who picks his nose is the kindest man you met, see that the daughter you have, which does not have green eyes and blonde hair, is the prettiest kid you saw, you’ll see you don’t need a lot of money, just enough to survive.  And you will be happier, content and peaceful.

Or will you…?

Just life

Yet again I wanted to start writing this with post with “Okay”. Fuck it..

Okay! Here’s what: is it just me or am I the only person that thinks that life sucks?  Well, dunno why, but these past days sure felt so. Besides all the feelings that I kept trying to hide (but did not manage) and all the stress from work and all there is something else too.. insecurity!! Hate it so much!!

Either way.. on a brighter note  (as I don’t think the above made any sense) there is a crazy cat (young one) running around the room I am in. Jesus!! It’s cool anyway! She (it’s a female) is very cool. Her name is Biluta (Ball in English) and just pissed in the flower’s pot. Crazyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Of course not crazier than me, for no other reason but the fact that it is 7 am and I am writing on my blog.

Good night/day/evening=>> depending on where you live.

Bye already

Hokay!

Hokay sau Okay cum vreti voi (o prefer pe prima pt ca este atat de funnyyyyyyyyyy) Dee are astazi (si numai astazi – sau asa sper) un talent inimaginabil de a ma enervaaaaaaaaaaa!!! Prima Chestie: pe balcon, spunea ca tipul din endofworld.net spune (cum se citeste) hokay iar eu spuneam nuuuu, tipul spune (again cum se citeste) hokey. Din nefericire a avut drepatate! Dammmnnnnn!!

Hokay, let’s move on! A doua chestie, mai devreme am pus niste poze pe blog iar intr-una din ele este si ea. Dee: “me look like shit” (pe mess mi-a spus asta). Cummm????? Is you cuck-ckoo in the head?? IS YOU??????? Presupun ca da. Mie chiar imi place poza aia si cum am iesit toate in ea!!! Geeezzzzz!

Hokay, doar de 2 ori m-a pissed off Dee azi (din fericire pt mine si ea ), astept continuarea…. Deeeeeeeeee?!?!?!

Sper sa fie cum nu sper (de data asta )

random thoughts

Simt nevoia sa ma exprim.. Sa vorbesc, sa scriu, sa gesticulez si, de ce nu, sa injur, cat mai mult cu putinta.

Sunt cam pissed off azi.

Stau si ma intreb cat de ok e faptul ca ma enervez repede. Presupun ca nu e ok dar uneori asa simt nevoia sa ma enervez, sa ma stresez incat am ajuns la concluzia ca lucrez mai bine sub presiune.

Imi place sa lucrez? Uneori nu, dar cand nu lucrez ma simt inutila, simt ca nu am nici un rol/scop/tel ca nu lupt pentru nimic si, cum spun batranii nostrii, viata e o lupta. Right!! Like YOUUU know better!!

Sunt vesnic indragostita, sau asa imi spune o prietena de-a mea. Ce-i drept imi place sa fiu indragostita si nu cred ca as putea trai fara micile aripi care ti le da la inceput o relatie, respectiv o semi-relatie. Dar nu VESNIC!! Cred ca de putine ori am fost cu adevarat indragostita! Da, sa-mi placa un tip mai mult decat amic, recunosc BUT sa nu exageram!

Vreau sa plec din Brasov.

Abia astept mini concediul meu care este iminent si reprezinta o iesire din micul Brasov. Sper sa fie totul cum sper.

De ce scriu pe blog? Scriu pentru ca o data tastate, gandurile nu-mi mai par atat de negre si usor incep sa-mi dea pace.

Testul copacului interpretat de o profa de psiho din liceu a demonstrat ca sunt o “ganditoare”. Ca “ramific” fiecare gand ce trece prin mintea mea in mii si mii de firicele. Asa este, recunosc.

De ce nu plec acasa? Nu stiu, as vrea dar mi-e lene, si totusi maine va fi o zi lunga. Plec.

Late night at work.. again.. no particular subject actually

It’s been a while hasn’t it? It’s been a while since I wrote on this God forsaken blog and since I’ve been late at work. Don’t you just llloooovvee depending on others to do their work so you can do yours? Actually I don’t, I hate it!!!!!!!!!! Grrrrrrrrrr.

Leaving that aside, maybe my “fans” would like to know how I have been lately. Well I have only gone from bad to worst except a small, tiny little (let’s call it a) miracle that happened one week ago. I won’t talk about that though, maybe some other time depending on how things develop.

So here goes nothing:

1. The first bad thing that happened was having a small disappointment, emotionally speaking. I kinda expected that to happen so it was not so bad. I actually behaved in a grand way and surprised myself in doing so.

2. The “from bad to worst” thing was me actually disappointing myself. I never thought I could do so.. hmm.. strange thing isn’t it? Well this year I have proven myself wrong and did that.. oh well, better luck next year I always say.

Sometimes I have the impression that I am too optimist that I look at things through a colourful lens which only shows the good parts in life.

Today a friend of mine was very upset. A love affair… Isn’t it weird how things come and go.

I wonder if the romanian saying (translated approximatelly word by word) “what is yours is saved somewhere and waiting for you to pick it up” applies for real. I am starting to believe it’s bullshit.

You tell me guys. Is it now?

Let’s just try!

I’d like to try the following:

- being a better person (tough one)

- not to think I am so fucked up/think I am the best of the best

- replying an sms received by a person I really dislike in a nice way or at least a polite way or simply replying no matter how hard it would be

- eat vegetables for 2 entire weeks and not feeling like eating anyhting else such as meat, eggs, cheese etc. (this is evil )

- pray for rain instead of sun (what?!?! i can at least try it )

- listen to happy music or chill music only for 1 month. I wonder if I’d become more calm and relaxed and happy

- fall in love with a person after 1 year only OR in the exact same day I meet him

- say  I will do something some time later at an exact hour and day, and actually doing it (nothing that has to do with my job or something that is a must of course. Schedule a simple, crazy , random thing)

- get friendly with a total stranger and going out for a beer with him/her (if it’s a guy I’ll try not to get friendly with one that looks like a rapist hahahah)

- smoke only weed (instead of cigarettes) for an entire week, each single day

- quit smoking for 2 months (I think this would be the hardest and I would miss/need it each day LOL)

- Travel in an obscure country and enjoying it

- Move to another country for at least one year (such as UK, USA, Germany, Italy, Spain, Canada or all of them )

Ok girls, it’s your turn now: Dee, Zuzu (or piticul roz, depending who feels like writing ), Shimmo/saSHIMmie