I’d better stick to what I have, I guess…

I am sick of  TV, the stupid shows and films, the stupid celebrities (who, by the way, all have a blog to curse the people they dislike), I’m sick of politics and soap operas (actually, in Romania they are the same).

Each morning when I get bored (thankfully not every morning):

- I wake up and tell myself oh why the hell not, I’ll turn on the TV, maybe today I actually find something interesting.

- I start cruising though the channels and I see the following: 10 channels – politics; 6 channels crappy music (even VH1 is crap now); 4 channels cartoons (I rarely find something amusing there now); 3 channels fashion; around 7 channels discovery, national geographic, animal planet, travel and living and so on (these are actually kind of ok if I think about it better); about 4 channels soap operas (on and on and on and on, nothing else playing); 20 or so channels random things (like 5 o’clock news – you see how someone’s neighbour killed his wife, kids, mother in law, his best mate, dad etc. separately or all together – to make it a bit more spicy), and then you have the “entairtaining” channels like Antena 1, Antena 3 etc. They have some (like one or two) ok shows I guess, Mircea Badea, but they are so agressive towards the public, actually towards anything, that I can’t watch it for long (besides I can’t catch them on, they are either early in the morning or in the afternoon).

- After cruising I’m like “Which should I pick… Ini Mini Miny Moe… Can’t decide.. can’t decide… can’t decide!!! I’m panicking hereee!! Uh-oh…. So then I do the wisest thing, I turn it off and go back to my computer, play some nice music and maybe watch a film, or not.

Just a smile would suffice.

All I wanted today was to be alone.  All day long.  To spend the day with myself.  Autumn does that to me. But it did not go as planned.

At 12 pm my dear cousin thought it was about time I woke up. She was surprised too “You’re sleeping??”. In my mind I said “No, I’m pretending”. But of course I was kinda polite and said “Yes.”. So I kept on sleeping after that and woke up at 30 minutes past 3 and  called her back. She invited me over in order to appologize properly for her wrong doing. I went there, saw photos of her and her new husband, “photos” of her soon to be child (“It’s a girl I tell you, I can feel it” she kept saying), she saw photos of my niece, and I saw some photos with me as a child.  And again I heard the apologies pourring from her, my aunt and my uncle. Perfect Sunday with the family, you’d think. 

I spent 3 or more hours  there and all the time I though “I need to leave… I need to leave… I don’t like this at all”. But there was a strange force keeping me still, browsing through the photo albums, hearing them argue as usual. I must say that is the most chaotic family I’ve ever met. No harmony, no love, no peace. It’s strange to me how they still are together and I left there exhausted.

 But then I got home. I finally finished the last of the two books I read this weekend (they weren’t thick, one was 100 pages and the other 167), I watched a film I enjoyed (Adventureland) and listened to some more Santo Gold. I heard some this Friday in Paris Panam and liked it. I enjoy spending time with myself sometimes. There is something great about being silent, feeling it surround you. It is even better when you can do it with another person too. Just walking, not having to talk but even though you are going through your own thoughts being in touch with the other person as well. Feeling him so close mentally and spiritually, walking and, from time to time, looking at each other and a smile would be enough, would say it all with no word at all.

Tomorrow I will finish my tattoo and finally start the last book I bought, Three men in a boat by Jerome K. Jerome. I heard it was a nice book so I’ll try it.  When I bought it I started reading a bit at Modarom, on a bench. I kept laughing and could hardly contain myself as people went by, looking at me and probably thinking I’m nuts. I enjoyed their glances and did not feel weird at all.  

Good night.

I’m not crazy, I’m just special

Am o crunta si teribila insomnie. Ce fac oamenii cand au insomnie: se uita pe pereti, numara oi sau se gandesc la tampenii.

Ei bine, eu ma gandesc la tampenii in noaptea asta. Avea cineva la status pe messenger ceva de genul “Men would say less lies if women asked less questions”. Ei na!! Nu cred!! HAHA. Pai sincer, femeie fiind, e imposibil sa nu fii curioasa, e imposibil sa nu despici firul in patru si, de asemenea, e imposibil sa nu pui intrebari (ca urmare a celor spuse inainte). Asa ca eu ma intreb acum cat de greu o fi sa raspunzi la un blestemat de e-mail? Cat de greu este ca picioarelor mele sa nu le fie frig? Cat de greu o fi sa nu am insomnie? Last but not least, cat de greu ar fi sa nu imi fie foame la 4 dimineata. FOARTE!?! Da-o dracului de treaba mai!

Recunosc, cel mai mult ma gandesc la mail-ul ala si la foame( :-S). Cine este atat de busy, cine are asa putin de spus incat sa nu raspunda la “ce faci? esti bine?” cu un “da, sunt bine!”. Nimeni. Cu alte cuvinte este total dezinteres sau poate totusi omul nu are nimic de spus. Pretty lame if you ask me. Daca totusi nu a primit mail-ul? Hmmm.. e si asta o posibilitate dar slabe sanse mai ales ca acum ai casuta de nush cati giga. Oh, da,  foamea, cum naiba sa nu te ingrasi daca bagi ca porcu’ la 4 dimineata? Simplu: vomiti dupa ce ai mancat hahaha. Dar asta e extrem de scarbos. Ultima data cand am vomitat mi s-a facut greata din cauza ca vomitam. Si acum mi se face greata numai la gandul ca as putea vomita.

Uff, sunt incurabila si o sa ajung cu siguranta la casa de nebuni unde o sa le spun “I’m not crazy, I’m just special” dupa care o sa bag evil laugh “bwahahah”.

What if?

1. What would be the first thing you’d do in this very moment if anything was possible?

2. What would be the last thing you did if the world ended tomorrow?

3. What would you say if I woke you up in the middle of the night and told you that I want to make love to you?

4. If someone you never met came and asked for your help how would you react?

A better me/you/us/world

I wonder how many of us want to be better or think they need to be better. I am one of those who do believe that. I need to believe that. I think of that as the reason that keeps me going on. Does believing this make you a better person? No. Action on the other hand does.

Dreams. We all have them, don’t we? We ll say “oh! I wish all my dreams would come true”. The problem with dreams is that, most of them, when they come true they sort of backfire. I mean yeah, you want loads of money, and you get it one way or another. Then you start being paranoid about people being your friends only for that reason, you start thinking you’re better than everyone, you forget what modesty is.  I don’t think being modest is the best way to live your life but you do need it sometimes.

So the issue is, do dreams make us better persons or not? Some might, but then again some might not. Let me detail that a bit. Let’s say you dream of your handsome prince who will one day arrive and scoop you up from your stupid, miserable,  boring life. You want it so bad so you start day/night dreaming about it. Is that really healthy? It can’t be. What will you do if he does not show up?? Kill yourself, go crazy, settle for less than you wanted, live your life alone because you could not find him?

I once wrote on this blog that I will give up dreaming, hoping, wishing for anything. Did I really? I mean I surely know it is not healthy, especially if it is something that might not ever come true, but can I do that? Simply stop?

I didn’t!!

I wish I could… A friend said that I shouldn’t, so, maybe, unknowingly I followed his advice.

Sometimes it’s like a real battle in my head, just like Smeagol and Gollum (horrible comparisom). A part of me wants to stop day dreaming, fantasizing and the other wants to be this romantic, day dreaming, hopeful person. Imagine the dialogue:

Dreamy: It would be so great if…

Sensible: If you what? Stop that!

Dreamy: But I want that!

Sensible: But can you get it? Get real!

Dreamy: I shouldn’t be so hard on myself.

Sensible: But it’s the best way, the safest. You can’t get hurt if you don’t hope.

Dreamy: I wish I could…

Sensible: Haven’t you learned your lesson yet?!

Dreamy: Oh, yeah, I have… OK. I’ll stop. But… I wish…

Which one is the best? Maybe there should be a balance between the two but how can you get it? In the end I think the sensible part wins, it’s only right. But for most people, even me sometimes, the dreamy part goes on living a suppresed life. When they get disappointed they don’t know what to do with themselves, they get depressed and promise they’ll never do that again, at least until given a new oportunity.

I wonder how our world would be without the dreamers. Think of  Martin Luther King. That is the best example, might be cliche but you must admit he was grand. His speach, “I have a dream”,  had a great impact on the world. So, dreaming can’t be all bad.

I guess I am contradicting myself. I still am not sure on which side I stand, the sensible or dreamy one. Life and experience will tell.

As Martin Luther King said: I have a dream and I will definately make it come true.

Mistake and consolation. The Olive branch – I hand it to you..

Mistake = An error or fault resulting from defective judgment, deficient knowledge, or carelessness.

“Why is it that an extended olive branch often turns to a clinched fist of hatred?”

I am wondering what makes people make mistakes? Lack of wisdom (The ability to discern or judge what is true, right, or lasting)? Lack of intelligence (The capacity to acquire and apply knowledge)? Lack of brain, personality, courage?

Ok, maybe I exagerated a bit with courage, however I think that you need a lot of it not to make the same mistake again, and again, and again. Yes, you need to be able to say “Stop it! Leave me the freck alone, don’t buzz me anymore” or at least “don’t hurt me anymore!”  Why is it so hard to do that? Why oh why??

Why is it so hard for people to notice when they’re hurting another human? Or do they know and like it?! That can’t possibly be true… people who hurt others for sports, entertainment… disgusting!! 

I want to believe that humans (or at least a certain percentage) care for what other people feel and don’t just use them for their pleasure, for just a few moments and then simply vanish, without any word of consolation. But, then again, if they were to say something, what would they? Would they say a simple “Sorry”? Would that suffice? Would they get down on their knees and beg forgiveness? Would they write an email or a letter and  explain themselves? Send an sms or call? What would be the easiest way to put your mind at ease?

Maybe most people, you, are afraid that the apologies would be rejected or would reach a deaf ear. Don’t they know better than that? Don’t they,you, know that an olive branch is more than a symbol of peace? It also has to be the gesture, the feeling, the need and, especially, desire to be forgiven and forgive? You must not forget because you won’t be able to learn from you mistakes, all you need to do and want is to forgive.

I think I know. So, yes, I forgive you.

All this might sound a bit corny  but it’s not that, it’s the simple truth. We should learn to accept that people have flaws just as I have flaws, just as you have them too. Given the fact that we have flaws shouldn’t we be able to understand other people’s flaws and sort of accept them?

With the risk of repeating myself:

Yes, I forgive you.

Insomnie. Sfaturi nocturne date oamenilor “bolnavi”

Sufar, profund, de insomnie. De doua zile nu pot dormi cum trebuie. Cand nu dorm, evident, incep sa gandesc. Aiurea.

Ma gandeam la faptul ca mi-e dor de mine, vesela, fara griji si regret ca nu am reusit sa fac decat putin din ce mi-am propus.

Sunt constienta ca am trait o mica parte din viata mea, dar, daca este asa, atunci de ce spun toti adultii (peste 40 ani) “traieste-ti viata acum, ca mai incolo….” Mai incolo ce? Ce se intampla mai incolo? Dupa 40 ani nu mai traiesc? Nu mai traiti, voi, cei care spuneti asemenea cuvinte? Sau va este pur si simplu mai usor sa folositi scuza asta pentru a nu mai trai, pentru a nu mai simti? Cine v-a spus si de ce ati crezut o asemenea aberatie? De ce va este frica? De ce va ascundeti in spatele acestor cuvinte si, mai grav, de ce dati mai departe o informatie total gresita?

Nu inteleg. Trebuie sa ai peste 40 de ani ca sa ajungi sa intelegi? My God.. pai atunci nu vreau, refuz sa ajung la 40 de ani.

Am cunoscut o doamna. Avea 70 si ceva de ani. Am ajuns s-o vizitez si s-o cunosc. Este cea mai plina de viata persoana pe care am cunoscut-o. Ea nu gandea ca voi, credea ca viata trebuie traita din plin la orice varsta. Iar ea, la cei 70 si ceva de ani ai ei, traia din plin. Zambea, radea, glumea, plangea. Traia si nimic mai mult.

Un sfat celor care nu pot privi mai departe de grijile, bolile, durerile lor:  Incetati sa fiti atat de preocupati de persoana voastra, de durerile, bolile voastre. Incepeti sa fiti optimisti, sa vedeti lumea din jur si cat te poate bucura o simpla raza de soare sau un zambet. Daca nu puteti singuri atunci cautati ajutor profesionist si nu mai incercati sa ii aduceti pe ceilalti in aceeasi stare!