Browsing

After browsing through my last few posts I realized they are too serious just as I am  too serious.  I am not like that on a daily basis but, on this blog, apparently, all I write turns out so.

Now, I wonder if I am like that on a daily basis too, maybe I have a wrong image of myself in my head. Maybe I am imagining being funny and jolly.

I’ll have to really think about that. Maybe I’ll make a research on this matter. After all, it is my job

That’s settled. I’ll make a questionnaire, send it to my friends, then run some frequencies and see what comes out. NOT !

 

I’d better stick to what I have, I guess…

I am sick of  TV, the stupid shows and films, the stupid celebrities (who, by the way, all have a blog to curse the people they dislike), I’m sick of politics and soap operas (actually, in Romania they are the same).

Each morning when I get bored (thankfully not every morning):

- I wake up and tell myself oh why the hell not, I’ll turn on the TV, maybe today I actually find something interesting.

- I start cruising though the channels and I see the following: 10 channels – politics; 6 channels crappy music (even VH1 is crap now); 4 channels cartoons (I rarely find something amusing there now); 3 channels fashion; around 7 channels discovery, national geographic, animal planet, travel and living and so on (these are actually kind of ok if I think about it better); about 4 channels soap operas (on and on and on and on, nothing else playing); 20 or so channels random things (like 5 o’clock news – you see how someone’s neighbour killed his wife, kids, mother in law, his best mate, dad etc. separately or all together – to make it a bit more spicy), and then you have the “entairtaining” channels like Antena 1, Antena 3 etc. They have some (like one or two) ok shows I guess, Mircea Badea, but they are so agressive towards the public, actually towards anything, that I can’t watch it for long (besides I can’t catch them on, they are either early in the morning or in the afternoon).

- After cruising I’m like “Which should I pick… Ini Mini Miny Moe… Can’t decide.. can’t decide… can’t decide!!! I’m panicking hereee!! Uh-oh…. So then I do the wisest thing, I turn it off and go back to my computer, play some nice music and maybe watch a film, or not.

I’m not crazy, I’m just special

Am o crunta si teribila insomnie. Ce fac oamenii cand au insomnie: se uita pe pereti, numara oi sau se gandesc la tampenii.

Ei bine, eu ma gandesc la tampenii in noaptea asta. Avea cineva la status pe messenger ceva de genul “Men would say less lies if women asked less questions”. Ei na!! Nu cred!! HAHA. Pai sincer, femeie fiind, e imposibil sa nu fii curioasa, e imposibil sa nu despici firul in patru si, de asemenea, e imposibil sa nu pui intrebari (ca urmare a celor spuse inainte). Asa ca eu ma intreb acum cat de greu o fi sa raspunzi la un blestemat de e-mail? Cat de greu este ca picioarelor mele sa nu le fie frig? Cat de greu o fi sa nu am insomnie? Last but not least, cat de greu ar fi sa nu imi fie foame la 4 dimineata. FOARTE!?! Da-o dracului de treaba mai!

Recunosc, cel mai mult ma gandesc la mail-ul ala si la foame( :-S). Cine este atat de busy, cine are asa putin de spus incat sa nu raspunda la “ce faci? esti bine?” cu un “da, sunt bine!”. Nimeni. Cu alte cuvinte este total dezinteres sau poate totusi omul nu are nimic de spus. Pretty lame if you ask me. Daca totusi nu a primit mail-ul? Hmmm.. e si asta o posibilitate dar slabe sanse mai ales ca acum ai casuta de nush cati giga. Oh, da,  foamea, cum naiba sa nu te ingrasi daca bagi ca porcu’ la 4 dimineata? Simplu: vomiti dupa ce ai mancat hahaha. Dar asta e extrem de scarbos. Ultima data cand am vomitat mi s-a facut greata din cauza ca vomitam. Si acum mi se face greata numai la gandul ca as putea vomita.

Uff, sunt incurabila si o sa ajung cu siguranta la casa de nebuni unde o sa le spun “I’m not crazy, I’m just special” dupa care o sa bag evil laugh “bwahahah”.

Autumn me

People are so caught up in their lives, they forget to stop, to ask for directions. No wonder so many of us get lost. No wonder I am lost sometimes.

How could I be any different than the rest of the world? How could I be unique, special when it is so much easier to be like them? I presume I don’t need to be all that, all I need is to be plain, simple Alina. Am I too simple? Should I be more extravagant, complex? Why should I be any different than what I am, why would I want that? I am sure I would not be happy pretending to be something different but will I be happy if I’ll be plain, simple Alina?

I think I have multiple personalities. Yes, it might be funny to you, still, it is not funny for me. When I say multiple personalities I am not talking about the psychiatric diagnosis,  alter egos, it is not that bad. I mean there are days when I go from a state of absolute happiness to absolute depression and desperation . I think everybody goes through that at one point in their life, at least once! What triggers it is insecurity, lack of confidence. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I am very confident, too confident in certain perspectives but in the same time I feel I can’t do more. Oh, I do wish I could do more, better.

I was thinking these past few days that I get attached to people too easily. I was also wondering why. Is it something to do with my childhood, adolescence? Of course, not only that, for each and every one of us, those are the years that form us as adults but those are the years we remember the  most, we talk the most of. Going back to the subject, why do I get attached to people so easily? Not every person I meet becomes a friend, actually I have very few friends. However, when a person receives the “friend” title I do mean it.  But I don’t mean friends whne saying I get attached too easily. I think because I don’t like people playing with my feelings, I don’t play with theirs either. I never could. But maybe I take things too seriously. I am sure I do, there can’t be any other explanation as to why I take things so personally, even a stupid joke, which meant nothing to the other person could mean quite alot to me. It’s like a curse.

What will I leave behind when I die? If I die tomorrow could I say I accomplished something? Sadly, not really. I realized I am so young! So, so young and, sometimes, I feel like my mind and soul carry the burden of an 80 year old person.

I guess it’s just Autumn playing its role again.

umm

Today, yesterday, the day before yesterday.

I feel and felt lonely.

Tomorow, the day after tomorrow, I might  feel the same.  Just the though of that: Urghh…

What would the remedy be? I’ll try sleep for the moment.

The perfect world

It’s upsetting to think that our world can’t be perfect without a special someone in it. Why does it have to be so?

Most of us have a nice life, a nice job, a nice family and so on but if we don’t have that, the special one, too we feel lonely, insecure, miserable. I know that is how humans are but can’t we just be happy without that? Can’t we be satisfied with what life gave us. Oh, and when we do get the special someone then we start finding flaws: “I hate it when he does that!; His feet smell.; he’s chubby/fat; he’s skinny, too skinny.” etc.

So, we are never satisfied. Hmm… that’s not a good thing is it now? I have never met a single person in this world who’d be satisfied. If he’s poor he wants money, if he’s rich he wants more, if she is in a relationship she wants the other guy who doesn’t pick his nose or farts in her presence, if she is single she wants someone, even the guy who picks his nose, if she gets the handsome guy, he’s boring, if she doesn’t get him she’s angry or starts looking for sth to draw his attention, if she has a son she wants a daughter, if she gets the daughter she wanted her to be curly or blonde with big green eyes. LOL!

Yeah, that’s us, the human race. Never satisfied always looking for more, always wanting more.

Let’s just STOP!

How would that be? You could actually see the beauty around you, see that the guy who picks his nose is the kindest man you met, see that the daughter you have, which does not have green eyes and blonde hair, is the prettiest kid you saw, you’ll see you don’t need a lot of money, just enough to survive.  And you will be happier, content and peaceful.

Or will you…?

A better me/you/us/world

I wonder how many of us want to be better or think they need to be better. I am one of those who do believe that. I need to believe that. I think of that as the reason that keeps me going on. Does believing this make you a better person? No. Action on the other hand does.

Dreams. We all have them, don’t we? We ll say “oh! I wish all my dreams would come true”. The problem with dreams is that, most of them, when they come true they sort of backfire. I mean yeah, you want loads of money, and you get it one way or another. Then you start being paranoid about people being your friends only for that reason, you start thinking you’re better than everyone, you forget what modesty is.  I don’t think being modest is the best way to live your life but you do need it sometimes.

So the issue is, do dreams make us better persons or not? Some might, but then again some might not. Let me detail that a bit. Let’s say you dream of your handsome prince who will one day arrive and scoop you up from your stupid, miserable,  boring life. You want it so bad so you start day/night dreaming about it. Is that really healthy? It can’t be. What will you do if he does not show up?? Kill yourself, go crazy, settle for less than you wanted, live your life alone because you could not find him?

I once wrote on this blog that I will give up dreaming, hoping, wishing for anything. Did I really? I mean I surely know it is not healthy, especially if it is something that might not ever come true, but can I do that? Simply stop?

I didn’t!!

I wish I could… A friend said that I shouldn’t, so, maybe, unknowingly I followed his advice.

Sometimes it’s like a real battle in my head, just like Smeagol and Gollum (horrible comparisom). A part of me wants to stop day dreaming, fantasizing and the other wants to be this romantic, day dreaming, hopeful person. Imagine the dialogue:

Dreamy: It would be so great if…

Sensible: If you what? Stop that!

Dreamy: But I want that!

Sensible: But can you get it? Get real!

Dreamy: I shouldn’t be so hard on myself.

Sensible: But it’s the best way, the safest. You can’t get hurt if you don’t hope.

Dreamy: I wish I could…

Sensible: Haven’t you learned your lesson yet?!

Dreamy: Oh, yeah, I have… OK. I’ll stop. But… I wish…

Which one is the best? Maybe there should be a balance between the two but how can you get it? In the end I think the sensible part wins, it’s only right. But for most people, even me sometimes, the dreamy part goes on living a suppresed life. When they get disappointed they don’t know what to do with themselves, they get depressed and promise they’ll never do that again, at least until given a new oportunity.

I wonder how our world would be without the dreamers. Think of  Martin Luther King. That is the best example, might be cliche but you must admit he was grand. His speach, “I have a dream”,  had a great impact on the world. So, dreaming can’t be all bad.

I guess I am contradicting myself. I still am not sure on which side I stand, the sensible or dreamy one. Life and experience will tell.

As Martin Luther King said: I have a dream and I will definately make it come true.

Gifts from destiny

Last week and the entire weekend have been a gift from destiny.  I don’t want to say too much about it but I have never felt as happy and appreciated… never have I felt so hopeful that life can be better, that I deserve more and that I will receive more.

Thank you, you know who you are, for sharing yourself with me, for giving me hope and making me feel good about myself again.

Kisses from Brasov, Romania, Europe, Earth, Milky Way, the Universe… to you… to Yorkshire, UK, Europe, Earth, Milky Way, the Universe.

All I can do now is hope… to see you again

Vrei sa fim prietene?

Actori principali: Eu si O Doamna la vreo 40 de ani.

Eu pe o bancuta la Modarom. Ea se apropie usor de mine.

Ea: Ai cumva un foc?

Eu: Da (evident aveam o tigara aprinsa)

Ea: Merci

Eu: Cu placere

Se aseaza langa mine si nu spune nimic pentru cateva minute pana cand se intoarce catre mine si spune:

- Vrei sa fim prietene? (zambeste)

- Ummm… Am putea fi cunostinte…

Se intoarce iar si se gandeste. Mai stam cateva minute in liniste iar apoi spune:

- Cum imi fac rost de un baiat dragut? (zambeste iar)

- Umm.. nu stiu?!?

- Hmmm..

- Eu trebuie sa plec.

- Ne mai vedem nu? Acum suntem prietene!

 

<What the heck?!?>

Mistake and consolation. The Olive branch – I hand it to you..

Mistake = An error or fault resulting from defective judgment, deficient knowledge, or carelessness.

“Why is it that an extended olive branch often turns to a clinched fist of hatred?”

I am wondering what makes people make mistakes? Lack of wisdom (The ability to discern or judge what is true, right, or lasting)? Lack of intelligence (The capacity to acquire and apply knowledge)? Lack of brain, personality, courage?

Ok, maybe I exagerated a bit with courage, however I think that you need a lot of it not to make the same mistake again, and again, and again. Yes, you need to be able to say “Stop it! Leave me the freck alone, don’t buzz me anymore” or at least “don’t hurt me anymore!”  Why is it so hard to do that? Why oh why??

Why is it so hard for people to notice when they’re hurting another human? Or do they know and like it?! That can’t possibly be true… people who hurt others for sports, entertainment… disgusting!! 

I want to believe that humans (or at least a certain percentage) care for what other people feel and don’t just use them for their pleasure, for just a few moments and then simply vanish, without any word of consolation. But, then again, if they were to say something, what would they? Would they say a simple “Sorry”? Would that suffice? Would they get down on their knees and beg forgiveness? Would they write an email or a letter and  explain themselves? Send an sms or call? What would be the easiest way to put your mind at ease?

Maybe most people, you, are afraid that the apologies would be rejected or would reach a deaf ear. Don’t they know better than that? Don’t they,you, know that an olive branch is more than a symbol of peace? It also has to be the gesture, the feeling, the need and, especially, desire to be forgiven and forgive? You must not forget because you won’t be able to learn from you mistakes, all you need to do and want is to forgive.

I think I know. So, yes, I forgive you.

All this might sound a bit corny  but it’s not that, it’s the simple truth. We should learn to accept that people have flaws just as I have flaws, just as you have them too. Given the fact that we have flaws shouldn’t we be able to understand other people’s flaws and sort of accept them?

With the risk of repeating myself:

Yes, I forgive you.