Intr-o zi ma voi enerva asa tare incat voi uita de ratiune, de mine, de faptul ca nu suport violenta, si voi plezni pe cineva!

Pentru ca momentan gandesc si cumva (ciudat) traiesc in viitor sau trecut, nu ma pot abtine sa nu ma intreb, cum ar fi daca nu as mai face asta? Cum ar fi daca as trai in prezent si m-as concentra pe el. Probabil rezultatul ar fi unul fericit. As fi mai relaxata si fericita. Sa analizam putin asta, daca as inceta sa ma traiesc in trecut as trece mai usor peste toate dezamagirile si durerile suferite, drept urmare as putea trece mai usor peste cele din prezent. In ceea ce priveste viitorul, cred ca mi-ar placea foarte mult sa nu mai sper atat. In acelasi timp daca incetez sa mai sper cu ce raman? Daca incetez sa sper o sa mai lupt, o sa mai am pentru ce sa lupt? Na, ia uite cate intrebari, fara raspuns. Poate au raspuns dar imi scapa mie. Ce sa zic, am obosit putin.

Vreau libertate. Vreau sa fiu libera sa spun ce simt, ce cred. Vreau oameni in jurul meu care nu ma judeca pentru ce gandesc si spun, si modul cum spun lucrurile sa ma inteleaga sau macar sa incerce, asa cum incerc si eu. Vreau sa fiu suficient de libera incat maine, daca vreau, sa pot pleca cu rucsacul in spate prin Europa, fara nici un ban in buzunar, cu niste conserve.

Vreau, sper, here we go again

Luand cele mai sus in considerare nu ma pot abtine sa ma intreb, de ce nu simt si eu veselia sarbatorilor. In fiecare an aceeasi poveste, ma uit la oamenii din jurul meu, veseli toti, prieteni, iubiti, parinti si copii iar eu, eu.. Eu ce? Eu oftez, si atat.

Un elefant
Se legana,
Pe o panza de paianjen
Si pentru ca
panza nu se rupea,
A mai venit un elefant.
Doi!

Doi elefanti
Se leganau,
Pe o panza de paianjen
Si pentru ca
panza nu se rupea
Au mai chemat un elefant.
Trei

Trei elefanti…(pana la 10)

Zece elefanti
Se leganau,
Pe o panza de paianjen
Si pentru ca
Era prea grea,
Au cazut toti elefantii!
Buff!

Panicaaaaaaa totala ) Mda, ma plictisesc, nu am ce face cu diminetile mele. Seara sunt la munca, noaptea dorm. Ma plictiseste viata mea. Dupa cum spunea, panica. E trist si stupid. Asta inseamna doar un lucru: imi trebuie un hobby. Sau ca sa evitam englezismele, pasiune, care sa-mi ocupe timpul si gandurile si in principiu diminetile. Ce sa fac… Ce sa fac?!?! Intelegeti acum panicus totalus?

In lipsa de inspiratie si ocupatie (evident) am dat google search, hobby-uri. Primul link: “Ce scriem la rubrica “Hobby-uri” din CV?”. Cui ii pasa ce scriu in rubrica hobby din CV. Scriu ca toata lumea: plimbari, citit, dansuri grecesti pe care nu le mai practic, calatoriile.  Al doilea link: Alege un hobby!. Bun, asa mai merge! Hai sa vedem ce-i pe acolo. Mda, pare chiar interesant. Ma asteptam la vreo mizerie de site. Il bag la favorites, poate am rabdare intr-o zi sa-l si citesc.

Ce am omis in toata povestea este cheful. Da, cheful de a face ceva, de a avea o pasiune si sa ma si dedic ei, nu doar 2 zile, 1 luna. Sa devina o adevarata pasiune. As putea sa ma apuc de gatit! Da, suna ciudat si nu, visul meu nu e sa devin gospodina. Dar, imi place sa gatesc foarte mult. Ma gandeam azi ca am un carnetel ft smecher, acoperit cu piele intoarsa, hand made, primit de ziua mea. Ma gandeam, de asemenea sa-l transform in caiet de retete nu jurnal de calatorii cum vroiam initial. Dupa 4 calatorii facute am scris in el doar 2 pagini, cu mersul trenurilor si cateva ore la care pot lua microbuze. Da, asta voi face. Caut retete ciudate si le aplic. Daca sunt ok le bag in carnetel. daca nu, la gunoi Ah, si cel mai tare, pe site-ul cu pricina am sectiune de gatit )

Si ia uite cum devine blog-ul psihologul meu, din nou.

Ciao, pe alta data.

Now, you’d ask, why would anyone write about that on their blog?? No, I’m not crazy, can’t say I’m not boring, my blog definitely proves my writing is not awesome (taking into account how many people are reading it):P. It’s an analogy. The desk is my life, the mess is my life, it’s not dirty but full of notes thrown around, full of bits and pieces, staples, hair pins and even small toys from Kinder Surprise eggs! So, I have decided I wanna clean my life, prioritize what is  really important, get on with it as if nothing bad ever happened. I can’t say I am happy right now but I must admit I am enjoying my new found freedom!

I wish I could find a way to disconnect for a moment, a brief moment. Out of it, out of this world, looking down at my worries as if they were someone elses’s.

Throwing a coin on a street.. for you it’s just a coin, for others it’s a fortune. A lucky penny, a quarter of a bread, a tomato, an apple….

Every day, walking down the street I try not to see it, all around me, poverty… Not just money. People are short on happiness, on smiles. Such wrinkles, they all carry on their faces, all because of worry and pain. If I smile to them only the old people smile back, the rest give me this strange look and walk past. I wonder if it was always like this. If I would go back 300 years, maybe 500, walk down a street, smile at someone, would they reply?

What worries me is that one day I might be like that too. Forget how to smile, enjoy the sun after a summer rain, the wind through my hair, touching the leaves of the trees as I walk past and feel life running through them, walking really fast even though I have no place to hurry to, sit on a bench in a small park, with no one around, listening to the birds or the same playlist I’ve had for months and don’t feel like changing yet! I’m hoping that writing all this down here would keep them alive forever. Maybe a few years from now, when I have become a shadow of what I am now, I will read this, and remember, what I loved, what I lost and be like that again.

The National – Sorrow

Panic because of school and paying it. Borrowing money to pay it. Feeling like crap about it. Happy happy day, I payed it. Think of how I need to pay the money back. Talked to alot of teachers and secretaries. Everything seems easy, easier than expected anyway. Picked up my sister from the railway station. Cried a bit. Almost burned her hair with the cigarette, none of us cared (except for David who threw it away). We saw each other for the first time in 5 years! Met Sofia and David. I love Sofia! She is the most beautiful and sweetest child I have ever met! Such a happy child! Spent the morning with them and go to work. wake up early next morning, spent time with them again. Leave to work. Go out and get pissed. Feel like shit next day. Meet my sister for a bit. Talk to Dan  for a bit. Go to bed.  Meet her again, spent two days with her but without her, really. Feeling like suffocating because of all the people coming and visiting her. Left home. woke up and went to school. Solved some stuff. Go to work. I’m tired. Go to bed. Plan meeting with Dan.. No luck… we can’t. Work, Delia, School. Get the week off. Start learning.  Not so easy as I thought. Learn, meet sis, learn, meet sis [...], last day… we drink Lacrima lui Ovidiu. Best wine ever! Cry. I will miss her, them. Take her to the railway station. Be brave. Cry only after the train left. Go back home and crash (literally) into bed. Sleep for 4 hours. Wave up. Walk through the house like a ghost. Go back to bed. Saturday… today. Get ready for school, this week’s last exam. Manage to take three exams(only!?!)  in one week. Watch a bit of TV. Find a new artist I like on French television. Get my hands on one of the albums. Listen to it all. Like it all. Call Raluca, Diana, Dee, Iulian. None available after my exam finishes. Mum comes home. She would come with me. Go to the exam. Finish stuff there really quickly. Go for a walk and a really short jazz concert. Walk around with mum and her friend. Go home. Eat something. Farm. Get bored. Write this while having a cup of green tea (as always). Good night.

Imagine a square sheet of paper. You can do so many things with it, you can fold it to take  tens of shapes, make it a crane, a star, a flower, whatever. In the end it will still be the same square, the same size, only in a different shape. You can color it, there are (possibly) millions of colors (shades, really) you can use, from bright to dark. And then.. you can tear it. In small pieces or even only two.  If you do that, it will never be whole again, after you have torn it you might discover that the pieces don’t fit perfectly together or there might be some missing.

Imagine a heart. Compare it to what I wrote above. Does it apply? It does. Us, romanians, have a saying “died of a blue heart”, americans/english would say “died of a broken heart”. So you can wrap a heart, hide its real shape and nature from everyone. You can color a heart, red – happy, blue – sad, black – no feelings, emptyness, white (you don’t really color it here) - pure, and the list could go on. And then… you can tear it. I don’t even have to repeat what I wrote above about the piece of paper. It simply applies. But do you want to?

You, the “tearer”, could learn from the experience, I could learn from the experience. It might even make me feel better, after the initial shock has passed. That means I have to change though. Do I want to? Nobody is perfect, it would be insane to believe such nonsense. Do I need to? Maybe…

O.K. I did not want to really talk about work. I wanted to say that I feel like running away with just a backpack, my heart and him. I would do it tomorrow!

I am now looking through the office where I work, it is 24:32and there are about 10 people in this room. There is nothing warm or welcoming to it. Do you know why? It is not aesthetic, or a certain someone sais so. That is exactly what happens when you work in a corporation. They steal your personality, your colour. Thankfully when I got this job I had plenty, so after three years I am not a little robot, walking, talking, breathing work, not with adoration anyway .

What have I done in these three years? Where did they go? Really! You realize how fast time flyes in situations like this. In a non aesthetic office, sitting at a crowded desk. Isn’t that nice? It was the same 3 years ago. What did I win in all this time? The Project Manager title on a white piece of paper. WOW, not! Of course I could just quit, no? No, I can’t. 

I am tired and need a good night sleep.

Night night

Flyleaf -Breathe Today.