Lately I’ve started to feel so small like I have almost no control over what I do, who I meet and how things develop. Well, ok, maybe I do have a certain amount of control but not all of it…. That is a bit scary.

I was talking to a friend a few days ago about the saying “be careful what you wish for, it might happen”. I think there are two ways to go with this saying, good and bad, of course. So far for me it turned out good. I wished for something, and I got it! Yes, I have it and hopefully will have it for some time now.

So here’s the other part, from the main wish (that came true exactly, as I wanted it) derives another wish. It is not fulfilled yet… Will it come true? As I want it too? And when it will, will I still want it??? What I wished might not be important to others, might seam a shitty, small thing, but for me it would make a hell of a difference! Maybe if I wish it hard enough it will eventually come true, just like the first one.

We’ll have to wait and see… It might be tomorrow or 10 years from now, it does not matter as long as it comes true.

After browsing through my last few posts I realized they are too serious just as I am  too serious.  I am not like that on a daily basis but, on this blog, apparently, all I write turns out so.

Now, I wonder if I am like that on a daily basis too, maybe I have a wrong image of myself in my head. Maybe I am imagining being funny and jolly.

I’ll have to really think about that. Maybe I’ll make a research on this matter. After all, it is my job

That’s settled. I’ll make a questionnaire, send it to my friends, then run some frequencies and see what comes out. NOT !

 Here you go a new hostel in Brasov: http://backyardhostel.com/?page_id=27

I guess I was right in writing this, wishing and thinking it. At least parts of it.

I am sick of  TV, the stupid shows and films, the stupid celebrities (who, by the way, all have a blog to curse the people they dislike), I’m sick of politics and soap operas (actually, in Romania they are the same).

Each morning when I get bored (thankfully not every morning):

- I wake up and tell myself oh why the hell not, I’ll turn on the TV, maybe today I actually find something interesting.

- I start cruising though the channels and I see the following: 10 channels – politics; 6 channels crappy music (even VH1 is crap now); 4 channels cartoons (I rarely find something amusing there now); 3 channels fashion; around 7 channels discovery, national geographic, animal planet, travel and living and so on (these are actually kind of ok if I think about it better); about 4 channels soap operas (on and on and on and on, nothing else playing); 20 or so channels random things (like 5 o’clock news – you see how someone’s neighbour killed his wife, kids, mother in law, his best mate, dad etc. separately or all together – to make it a bit more spicy), and then you have the “entairtaining” channels like Antena 1, Antena 3 etc. They have some (like one or two) ok shows I guess, Mircea Badea, but they are so agressive towards the public, actually towards anything, that I can’t watch it for long (besides I can’t catch them on, they are either early in the morning or in the afternoon).

- After cruising I’m like “Which should I pick… Ini Mini Miny Moe… Can’t decide.. can’t decide… can’t decide!!! I’m panicking hereee!! Uh-oh…. So then I do the wisest thing, I turn it off and go back to my computer, play some nice music and maybe watch a film, or not.

All I wanted today was to be alone.  All day long.  To spend the day with myself.  Autumn does that to me. But it did not go as planned.

At 12 pm my dear cousin thought it was about time I woke up. She was surprised too “You’re sleeping??”. In my mind I said “No, I’m pretending”. But of course I was kinda polite and said “Yes.”. So I kept on sleeping after that and woke up at 30 minutes past 3 and  called her back. She invited me over in order to appologize properly for her wrong doing. I went there, saw photos of her and her new husband, “photos” of her soon to be child (“It’s a girl I tell you, I can feel it” she kept saying), she saw photos of my niece, and I saw some photos with me as a child.  And again I heard the apologies pourring from her, my aunt and my uncle. Perfect Sunday with the family, you’d think. 

I spent 3 or more hours  there and all the time I though “I need to leave… I need to leave… I don’t like this at all”. But there was a strange force keeping me still, browsing through the photo albums, hearing them argue as usual. I must say that is the most chaotic family I’ve ever met. No harmony, no love, no peace. It’s strange to me how they still are together and I left there exhausted.

 But then I got home. I finally finished the last of the two books I read this weekend (they weren’t thick, one was 100 pages and the other 167), I watched a film I enjoyed (Adventureland) and listened to some more Santo Gold. I heard some this Friday in Paris Panam and liked it. I enjoy spending time with myself sometimes. There is something great about being silent, feeling it surround you. It is even better when you can do it with another person too. Just walking, not having to talk but even though you are going through your own thoughts being in touch with the other person as well. Feeling him so close mentally and spiritually, walking and, from time to time, looking at each other and a smile would be enough, would say it all with no word at all.

Tomorrow I will finish my tattoo and finally start the last book I bought, Three men in a boat by Jerome K. Jerome. I heard it was a nice book so I’ll try it.  When I bought it I started reading a bit at Modarom, on a bench. I kept laughing and could hardly contain myself as people went by, looking at me and probably thinking I’m nuts. I enjoyed their glances and did not feel weird at all.  

Good night.

Am o crunta si teribila insomnie. Ce fac oamenii cand au insomnie: se uita pe pereti, numara oi sau se gandesc la tampenii.

Ei bine, eu ma gandesc la tampenii in noaptea asta. Avea cineva la status pe messenger ceva de genul “Men would say less lies if women asked less questions”. Ei na!! Nu cred!! HAHA. Pai sincer, femeie fiind, e imposibil sa nu fii curioasa, e imposibil sa nu despici firul in patru si, de asemenea, e imposibil sa nu pui intrebari (ca urmare a celor spuse inainte). Asa ca eu ma intreb acum cat de greu o fi sa raspunzi la un blestemat de e-mail? Cat de greu este ca picioarelor mele sa nu le fie frig? Cat de greu o fi sa nu am insomnie? Last but not least, cat de greu ar fi sa nu imi fie foame la 4 dimineata. FOARTE!?! Da-o dracului de treaba mai!

Recunosc, cel mai mult ma gandesc la mail-ul ala si la foame( :-S). Cine este atat de busy, cine are asa putin de spus incat sa nu raspunda la “ce faci? esti bine?” cu un “da, sunt bine!”. Nimeni. Cu alte cuvinte este total dezinteres sau poate totusi omul nu are nimic de spus. Pretty lame if you ask me. Daca totusi nu a primit mail-ul? Hmmm.. e si asta o posibilitate dar slabe sanse mai ales ca acum ai casuta de nush cati giga. Oh, da,  foamea, cum naiba sa nu te ingrasi daca bagi ca porcu’ la 4 dimineata? Simplu: vomiti dupa ce ai mancat hahaha. Dar asta e extrem de scarbos. Ultima data cand am vomitat mi s-a facut greata din cauza ca vomitam. Si acum mi se face greata numai la gandul ca as putea vomita.

Uff, sunt incurabila si o sa ajung cu siguranta la casa de nebuni unde o sa le spun “I’m not crazy, I’m just special” dupa care o sa bag evil laugh “bwahahah”.

Out of simple boredome I am going to play a small mind game with myself.

I will put my serious face on. So for about one week, starting tomorrow, I will try to be as serious as possible.

The week after that I will try to be as goofy as possible.

I’ll keep you updated on how this worked out and which I liked best. I think I already know.

Bye.

Update: nope, can’t do it. Can’t be seriously serious. Sorry. It’s just goofy Alina all the way. Don’t be fooled by the serious posts

People are so caught up in their lives, they forget to stop, to ask for directions. No wonder so many of us get lost. No wonder I am lost sometimes.

How could I be any different than the rest of the world? How could I be unique, special when it is so much easier to be like them? I presume I don’t need to be all that, all I need is to be plain, simple Alina. Am I too simple? Should I be more extravagant, complex? Why should I be any different than what I am, why would I want that? I am sure I would not be happy pretending to be something different but will I be happy if I’ll be plain, simple Alina?

I think I have multiple personalities. Yes, it might be funny to you, still, it is not funny for me. When I say multiple personalities I am not talking about the psychiatric diagnosis,  alter egos, it is not that bad. I mean there are days when I go from a state of absolute happiness to absolute depression and desperation . I think everybody goes through that at one point in their life, at least once! What triggers it is insecurity, lack of confidence. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I am very confident, too confident in certain perspectives but in the same time I feel I can’t do more. Oh, I do wish I could do more, better.

I was thinking these past few days that I get attached to people too easily. I was also wondering why. Is it something to do with my childhood, adolescence? Of course, not only that, for each and every one of us, those are the years that form us as adults but those are the years we remember the  most, we talk the most of. Going back to the subject, why do I get attached to people so easily? Not every person I meet becomes a friend, actually I have very few friends. However, when a person receives the “friend” title I do mean it.  But I don’t mean friends whne saying I get attached too easily. I think because I don’t like people playing with my feelings, I don’t play with theirs either. I never could. But maybe I take things too seriously. I am sure I do, there can’t be any other explanation as to why I take things so personally, even a stupid joke, which meant nothing to the other person could mean quite alot to me. It’s like a curse.

What will I leave behind when I die? If I die tomorrow could I say I accomplished something? Sadly, not really. I realized I am so young! So, so young and, sometimes, I feel like my mind and soul carry the burden of an 80 year old person.

I guess it’s just Autumn playing its role again.

This afternoon I thought I needed a nap, therefore I took one. It was not one of my best ideas though.

It started ok, felt nice, the music was nice as well.

One and a half hours later I woke up. It was not the best way to wake up, I must say! I had a nightmare, a horrible one too!

In my dream I was with my mom when I heard someone saying that Earth is being attacked with nuclear bombs!! >what the heck!<. Suddently we were outside waiting for the outcome of that when the police came and told us “Everything is going to be ok!”. >I wonder now if police men are taught to say that in school. hmmm.. < So we saw them trying to assemble a device that would make my block >actually I am not sure it was my block< indestructible to the blast. At one point they told us to enter the staircase, so we did. My dream ended with me and my mom and some other people I never saw in my life looking at this giant dust wave comming straight towards us. I remember the last thing I told my mom was “well, if we are going to die you could at least hold my hand!”

Then I woke up and I could hear the pounding of my heart. I was really panicked and went into my mom’s room to tell her what I dreamed of. I was very disappointed to see that she was sleeping  so I had no one to share my fear with…

I was extremely scared and my heart was racing for about another hour.

Very strange.