I wish, a wish

I’d love now to go for a swim, not a real one as I can’t properly swim, but float in a pool. I think that is the most relaxing thing in the world. At least that is how I remember it, it’s been 5 years I think, maybe less… I’d forget about my worries, sorrow and anything negative in my life. As someone very dear to me says, I’d be a happy camper!

I would also like to run, as fast as I can, as much as my smoker lungs allow it. And scream. I feel like screaming. For the first time, I’d seriously consider going on the top of a mountain and start shouting.

I now, this exact moment, feel alone and like crying. Maybe it’s the film I’ve watched, maybe it’s the weather outside or, maybe, I am going crazy… It’s strange how people can’t stay on their own, can’t live on their own.  I can’t…

I wish I had a flower bouquet on my desk.  Wild flowers, early autumn flowers: yellow, red, purple and white with a few long grass blades between them. That would cheer me up.

I wish I never have to explain myself, my actions, my life, my choices. I’m tired of having to measure up to everyones expectations and hopes regarding myself or my life.

I wish I wasn’t so scared anymore of the future and what it brings.

I wish, more than a wish.

Ode, to you.

I miss you… Stroking your hair, curling it around my finger, its smell, caressing your back, kissing every tattoo you have. Not having to talk and watching you sleep. You look so peaceful when you sleep, like an angel. Me, babbling away and you laughing at it, talking about music, hearing you play it and singing. Myself, as I am when I’m with you. Smiling all the time, because you make me feel like it. You, smiling back every time I do it. Doing a pirouette in the middle of the road, the way I feel the wind in my hair when I do it. It’s like every single hair on my head feels it and enjoys it. Taking our long walks with no regard to time or how cold it is. You, struggling to do “puppy eyes”, how funny and lovely you look then. Kissing your eyelids. You, touching my face and your eyes telling me how you feel. Me, trying to find my words and, you, waiting patiently, like there is no rush, although, I’m always in a rush.

You always surprise me with something, like watching the stars, counting them as they appeared on the sky in that opening under the tree. Even now, I remeber what you told me… I could also tell what you wanted to tell me just as you knew what I desperately wanted to tell you, but was too afraid to. Time flies when I’m with you, 4 days seem like 1, 4 hours seem like one minute. You can always make me feel better when I feel like crying. I wish you were here now, to make it better again…

I’ve never felt so carefree as I do when we talk, I never felt so blissful. Soon… we’ll be together again.

Thinking and acting, thinking OR acting

I told my mom I was thinking of moving to another country. Her reaction was somewhat expected : “What about school? Do you not wish to finish it?”. Of course I want to! I did not say I will move tomorrow, only sometime this year, If I finish school, otherwise as soon as I finish it. What shocked me was that she started crying. Hmm.. Why would she do that?? It’s not like it’s the first time I tell her that. Since I was about 13 I keep promising myself  I’d leave, and I always shared that “ambition” with her. So what changed??

After our chat I started thinking. What changed? I guess it’s the fact that previously I did nothing towards that, such as start searching for a job. It was mostly empty talk and now I am serious.

I have made a promise to myself today, and I am writing it here so that I will never forget. In, the most, one year I will be leaving my country and the only times I will come back is when I am either on holiday or retired.